Disposable: designed for or capable of being thrown away after being used or used up. (dictionary.com)
America’s latest quick fix: disposable romantic relationships.
Relationships are stressful. Sometimes the difficult periods or sporadic stressful event feel interminable for one or both in the relationship. To expect total satisfaction, perfection or being in constant ‘kindred spirit’ mode with your significant other, is unreasonable and psychologically immature. It is easier to make changes and substitutions, i.e finger swipe on a dating app rather than explore and uncover what hurts or what can be made better between the couple. ‘Too much work’ is the rationale for the decision to move on. The favored pastime is, “What’s next?” or “Who’s next?” Who might be the next quick fix to whatever ails?
Most people do not consciously think or state, “Who can I use or what can I take from them to feel better, more in control or happy?” American culture has convinced itself that life is short, therefore why waste time. Moving on quickly at the moment of discontent or disappointment is lauded as showing good self-esteem rather than, more aptly, an act of immaturity or worse, self-centeredness and narcissism.
Yes, eating disorders are rampant in our culture and in other western and developing countries as well. However, it seems that just as food continues to be sought out as a means to emotionally soothe, using people as objects may ‘work’ as well in the attempt to feel better. We ‘use’ (i.e. substances, food, symptoms, people) to feel in control, calmed down and stimulated. Momentary pleasure is achieved through manipulation; selfish behavior is rationalized. Accessibility to potential ‘partners’ has increased the variety of the latest flavor of the month club. Are you in?
Hook-up apps, the new eating disorder?
What may provide better relief than throwing up a pizza or half gallon of decadently flavored ice-cream? Answer: A date. Connect on a hook-up app, meetup, ingest through temporary over idealization, suck dry and then throw up and out instead (aka dispose of the person and their contact information quickly.)
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What may provide more control than restricting eating with its resultant perceived competitive mantra of “I am better, because I don’t eat or eat less?”
Answer: Bait someone on, let’s say, Tinder and then discard when the next ‘appetizing’ face appears.
People with eating disorders, particularly those who suffer with bulimia, binge and purge typically on food. The bingeing is a representation of filling up, having whatever is wanted or desired and is simultaneously psychologically exciting and soothing. Purging represents getting rid of what is not acceptable, i.e. self-loathing, dissatisfaction, negativity.
It is true that some people, particularly those under age 35, have met the love of their life or at least a reliable person on Tinder. And, the ease of hook-up apps allow for less face to face contact which may be beneficial, particularly for those with social anxiety. On the other hand, social media also circumvents the ability for spending quality time, the stuff relationships are based on.
The new binge and purge activity may be hook-up apps. The click of the swipe is the binge. Connecting, chatting and then disposing of the person (either before or after meeting with or without physical hookup) is the purge. Lots of people seem to be doing it.
What drives the proverbial bus to understanding the motivation behind eating disorders and the incessant and addictive use of online dating sites? Culture? Media? Family? Biology? Each provides an opportunity for analysis.
As I have written in more than a few posts, being raised with emotional and physical safety, trust, respect, honesty and empathy create an infrastructure in an individual that is a stabilizing force when exogenous factors impact i.e. relationship challenges and life’s traumatic and every day crises. Abundant or even adequate self-worth, self-esteem and low self-doubt are the results of a solid infrastructure and are a mighty sword when times get rough.
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Narcissistic failures and Narcissistic personalities are more prevalent as life becomes more demanding and families have limited time to be emotionally available and actively seek to sustain their relationships to each other. Parents have higher stress and struggle to find qualitative time or are hampered in their ability for healthy connection and attachment toward their children. Infrastructure building is in short supply. Safety and trust are therefore compromised and the capacity for empathy or even the occasional empathic response are replaced by seeking attention, manipulation for one’s own gain and immediate need for gratification or pleasure. These are the seeds that contribute to the cultivation of eating disorders and establishes an arena for hook-up site seeking adventures.
The contributions made by D.W. Winnicott to the field of modern psychoanalysis, continues to be referenced in many academic and lay publications, particularly the concept of the “False Self.”
“Individuals operating from the position of the False Self typically experience greater than usual difficulties in connecting to others and forming meaningful relationships. The result is often a feeling of emptiness, as though a huge hollow existed in the center of the person The person may even have the impression that he or she is “not really living” or “sleepwalking through life.” (modernpsychoanalysis.blogspot.de) (J.G. Hennessy, 2006)
The pursuit of relationships on Tinder is often an oxymoron. The emotional gratification and mood euphoria of Tinder allows many to suspend the feelings of emptiness for a while through the narcissistic fill of the finger swipe. This does not constitute relationship building.
The concept of False Self can have other implications for patients with eating disorders. I have written in a prior PT Blog Post that perhaps the eating disorder represents the “True Self.” That is the projected rage on the body through the act of vomiting is really the hidden and true feelings of the person with the eating disorder. The eating disorder is utilized in this sense as the vehicle to express her/his unconscious rage and dissatisfaction and the symptoms act to control and separate from others, typically family members. Conversely, in following with the original intent of the “False Self,” the eating disorder is a manifestation of the “False Self” which protects the vulnerability of the “True Self” hidden beneath the eating disorder.
Whether exploring the motivations behind why individuals seek out eating disorders or hook-up apps, for that matter raises similar questions. What drives one’s conscious and unconscious motivations take commitment to exploration beyond and underneath behaviors and symptoms. Not an easy feat in a culture that glorifies quick fixes; i.e. having more or different or improved is somehow better and more fulfilling. No food or use of a person as an object can fill voids when the cure requires sitting and identifying feelings, understanding motivations, confronting sadness and fears about love and loss. Simple concepts; difficult for some (many?) to employ.
