One of the major difficulties that stand in the way of building authentic connections in families where eating disorders arise is manipulation. Often parents feel they are being held hostage by their child—that she/he is making conscious attempts to control them either through the eating disorder or through other psychological means. Many professionals who treat people with eating disorders also describe them as being highly manipulative. While this may be how their child’s behavior makes them feel, I typically caution parents (and professionals) to be wary of using the term “manipulative” when describing a person with an eating disorder. Here’s why:
Manipulative behavior is often a camouflaged way to get needs met, just as the eating disorder is. Opening up and asking for what they need is often much more emotionally complicated for someone who has an eating disorder than going about getting those needs met in less direct, more “manipulative” ways. Just wanting something can cause guilt or shame. Looking at and learning how to cope with these feelings is simply too difficult, thus the person seeks ways to get her needs met that don’t require confronting her emotions. In other cases, the manipulation is an attempt to express hostility that cannot otherwise be expressed. Some wish to control others through manipulation just as they have felt controlled. In all of these cases, what we see is that “manipulation” is not the outcome of some kind of internal personal defect, but rather a complex behavioral response to emotions.
Sometimes the child is quite aware of her/his manipulative behavior. Other times the behavior is so much a part of the personality that it feels quite natural and is invisible to the child. An excellent example of the latter is people pleasing: the act of making people around you happy so as to mitigate any negative emotional fallout—“If I make you happy, maybe you won’t get angry at me.” This is common for a person with an eating disorder, and it is a form of manipulation.
Parental Self-Reflection
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and parents of people with eating disorders are often just as “guilty” of using manipulation to get what they need out of their children—this manipulative behavior was learned somewhere. This problem typically arises when parents are faced with ambivalence or guilt in getting their own needs met, are fearful about the response their children might have, or when they have their own control issues.
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One common form of parental manipulation in families where eating disorders occur is the notion, “If I do X for you, then I expect you to do Y for me.” For example, I often hear parents say, “Look at all we’ve done for you. Why can’t you simply do what we ask?” Often, this sets the stage for future guilt (because the child feels bad if she does not give in to what the parent wants), anger, and feeling controlled. The same sort of comment is a form of “guilting” the child into complying with whatever demand the parent makes. This is not an open, honest, authentic way to express a need or request. It’s as much of a manipulation as an anorexic child threatening her parents with self-starvation if she can’t have the keys to the car.
The problem with labeling your child’s behavior as “manipulative” is that the real emotional dynamic is ignored and replaced with a commentary on character that is neither accurate nor useful. What’s more, once they label the other person, most people do not take the time to assess their own behavior. By calling your child manipulative, you may be unconsciously denying both your own manipulative behaviors as well as your responsibility in helping create the dynamics in your family that led to this problem in the first place.
What can parents do to respond with kindness and empathy?
To cope with manipulation more effectively in your family, you need to do two things. First, take a good look at your own behavior and the way you treat your child. If you insist that she/he capitulate on every issue or become the child you “need her/him to be,” she/he is most likely going to resist you and problems will arise. It’s true that some children more easily conform to the familial norm, but often a child with an eating disorder does not. Remember, respecting your child’s autonomy while setting appropriate boundaries is critical to the recovery of your whole family. When setting limits or expressing your needs to your child, start with the question: “Is what I’m asking appropriate?” It may be reasonable to expect that your child maintain a curfew, but to demand that she go to the college of your choosing is highly controlling and squashes your child’s autonomy. This is manipulation, and it will only keep the cycle of manipulation alive in your household. So, take a careful look at your own behaviors and honestly consider whether or not the apple learned it from the tree.
Second, you will have to confront and properly cope with situations where your child attempts to manipulate you. The key is to avoid the trap of responding to the manipulation with reproach, shame, or counter-manipulation while at the same time finding a way to say that you feel you have been manipulated.
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Here is a limit-setting strategy that may be useful to employ:
1. Accept that you cannot control whether or not your child will eat. As long as you think you can, she/he will use that as leverage to make you do what she/he wants.
2. When she refuses to comply with your requests, ask yourself how you are feeling about your child and her/his behavior.
3. Once your feelings are identified, communicate them with your child directly. For example, “When you refuse to do the chores, scream at me, or do the chore and then retaliate by not eating, it makes me feel enormously helpless, frightened, and angry. I feel torn between yelling back and giving in. I am also aware that it does not make you feel good to know that you are treating me this way and that you are using this behavior to get out of doing the chores. This is not good for either of us.”
4. Ask your child what it is like to hear you express your feelings, and allow her/him to explain her point of view.
5. Ask your child what it is like to be asked to do family chores (or whatever else she/he is retaliating against) and why she/he reacts so strongly and provocatively.
6. Ask your child if she/he has a better way to respond to your request and get the chores done (or whatever she/he is reacting negatively toward.)
Remembering that your child is in extreme psychological pain and often physical discomfort from the symptoms of her/his or his eating disorder. Accepting that every family member has a role in recovery can offset the tendency to blame and therefore maintain an empathic reaction, even when manipulation is occurring. No one likes to be taken advantage of, disrespected, lied to or backed in to a corner. Trust that the person with the eating disorder does not like her/himself for being manipulative—proof of that is the self-destructive, punishing nature of the symptoms themselves.
