For a woman who has made her professional life revolve around the lives of people for whom food is a regular source of misery and that thoughts of eating bring on simultaneous feelings of wanting, fear, self-loathing and guilt, I am struck by how little time I write about the successes of people in recovery from an eating disorder. Preoccupying thoughts about food, body image and feeling fat that dictate and tragically ruin daily life are commonplace mantras for sufferers. However, wonderful and inspiring stories of success and the psychological and relational healing that go along with recovery occur with regularity.
Letting go and Listening
Over time, people in recovery can slowly learn to let go of the external voices that dictated their self-worth and self-esteem. Weight on the scale and other cultural expectations about what is desirable will become the outdated remnants of a punishing and self-defeating life. They learn and accept that their internal voice is where true self-worth lives and they will begin to rely on that voice for wisdom and guidance. When they are ready to let go of the eating disorder, this voice will take its place. They will soon be able to consistently experience and express emotions in an open and respectful way, and develop a sincere desire to take care of their body. In short, they will develop real self-worth based on intrinsic value, not a false self-esteem based on perceptions about the importance of having the perfect body or the perfect life.
As this happens, they may go through a period where they experience grief over the loss of the eating disorder and the time and energy put into it. Remember that, although unhealthy, when an eating disorder is functioning at its peak, it is a reliable, routine, dependable identity. It has been a best friend for years, and thus it makes sense that on some level its loss is grieved. Healing is, in part, about grieving what came before the eating disorder, the reasons the eating disorder arose, and the chaos, conflict, and disconnection that it created among family members and friends. Grief is a natural and necessary component of life and it is an important step in healing. We grieve because we have lost what or whom we have loved.
People in recovery have lost much over the course of their disorder: The hours spent in the bathroom purging, the energy drained as they restricted calories, friendships or romantic relationships they may have lost along the way, the loss of relationships with family. During recovery they will eventually come to a place where they realize they are about to lose the only thing possessed during that awful period in life — the disorder itself. Grief for all these losses is very real.
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From Grief comes Awareness and Understanding
Yet it is through this grief that they can be born anew into a life filled with more compassion and understanding about the human condition than many people may gain in a lifetime. Never forget that good mental health is about the integration of all negative and positive emotions — highly charged though they may be. Grief, loss, and anger certainly qualify and, by allowing grieving, people in recovery will slowly learn what it means to live in balance with all emotions and lead a more harmonious life. Too often, people believe that to be healthy one must feel good all the time. This is not possible, nor is it even desirable. Powerful emotions like anger, sadness, shame, and grief are part of what makes us whole, healthy, and human. No life passes without these emotions. In fact, they aren’t even “negative” when considered carefully. Feelings like these can impel the creative mind to write brilliant poetry, paint images that move us beyond words, and compose music that touches us so deeply that we listen over and over again. Through our grief, we learn to love again, often more tenderly and more effortlessly. How can any of this be considered “bad”?
.Once on the other side, people in recovery can and will start to encounter a newfound sense of freedom and a full reliance on a true self. They learn to make choices that support body, mind, and spirit. The days of self-recrimination will finally be at an end. They can enjoy food and even take enormous pleasure in eating. Going out to eat is anticipated with excitement rather than dread.
The Joy and Pleasure in Eating
I had a wonderful opportunity to be the “plus 1” with my daughter, a journalist and regular writer for Thrillist and travel magazines, at a press event in Manhattan – the media preview of a partnership with Mission Chinese and Kellogg’s in order to kick off the restaurant’s new dim sum breakfast menu. It was a “themed” brunch of childhood breakfast cereals by Kellogs with an adult kick added. Cornflakes were drizzled over a thick tangy greek yogurt with mixed berries. Peanut butter milk was poured over raisin bran, yes, raisin bran. Corn pops were delightfully scattered beneath a fried egg. Shredded Wheat was paired with almond butter. Delightful and delicious, truly! The owner and Chef, Danny Bowien, greeted and chatted with us during the latter part of our meal, which included one of everything Kellogg on the menu. His enthusiasm about this at first blush appeared kitsch, but was rather a playful and inspired effort to introduce the restaurant to its new digs. It signaled Mr. Bowien’s creativity, trust in himself and that his prior epicurean successes could afford him the joy of playing with food. My thought was that if only my patients could experience this man’s enthusiasm and sheer delight as he talked about the newness of his restaurant and the playful entertainment for guests with his food in its new home.
The pleasure of food was shared briefly in my most recent Blog Post about Bagels. But my patients over the years have brought me stories of recovery that have made me laugh and smile. Their stories of success focus on relationships, career, listening to who they are, following their dreams rather than weight, body and food related measures of success. This makes me very happy.
I wish for those who struggle with eating disorders this Holiday Season to have hope and understand that recovery is lasting, food is pleasurable, joy is possible and success is immeasurable and bountiful.
