There are many reasons why people turn toward an eating disorder: They may use it to cope, escape, avoid, serve as a proxy and become their emotional and relational voice. An eating disorder can be a substitute for and representation of sexual appetite, and that has implications for sexual communication in general.
Sexual Representation of Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorder
Most often, anorexia is understood and associated with someone who is afraid of losing control. This broad brush approach offers little in terms of clarification and depth about what “control” actually means, what the person fears will be taken from them if they let go of control and why and how the need for control got there in the first place. Exploration in therapy reveals often that losing control is synonymous with giving in or being defeated. What is the person giving in to or by whom are they being defeated?
Shifting the perspective from ‘defeat’ to ‘letting go’ is the psychodynamic and cognitive tasks at hand. Loss of control of appetite and food are metaphors for craving, wanting and desire in life’s various arenas. One of these significant arenas is sex. Sexual intimacy and wanting sex are warded off and essentially displaced and sublimated on to body and weight obsession. Fears of gluttony regarding food are parallel to fearing appetites for sex and sexual intimacy.
Similarly, patients with bulimia nervosa often intimately detail the nature of their binge and purge episodes. Shopping for the longed-for binge food, the preparation of the food, when and how it will be consumed all the while remaining excited imagining the taste and fantasizing about consuming all of it. The quantity and quality of the foods ingested serve as acceptable substitutions for longings of other sorts. Reporting on the nature of the purge, which often is a detailed account of release and freedom and soothing of anxiety and tension, parallels the states associated with stimulation, arousal and orgasm. Getting the food out = getting off.
Individuals who compulsively or binge eat typically experience shame and self-loathing regarding body size, shape and their devouring appetite. Usually, the dependency on food and the comfort it provides are substitutions, similar to that which is experienced by people with bulimia, however binge eaters find stimulation, satiation and release in eating without purging to achieve these states. What lies beneath the surface of body disgust and self-loathing are shame and guilt about many other wants and needs, including sex.
article continues after advertisement
Sources of Sexual Disruptions in Eating Disorders
Many people without eating disorders struggle with sexual intimacy. It is routinely a topic of conversation among good friends and certainly there is plenty of information about how to achieve sexual intimacy and/or more pleasure in bed. In some senses, people with eating disorders wear their sexual insecurities, wants and fears on their proverbial sleeves through their symptoms and rituals.
There are many reasons as to why people develop eating disorders and many conflicting as well as complementary clinical perspectives about their origins. (see blog posts on Psychology Today by this and other authors)
As we come to grips with the regularity of sexual trauma, abuse and molestation of women and men, the development of an eating disorder as a response makes sense. In fact, it is a “perfect” solution and representation of self-loathing, degradation, longing, rage and attempt to be perfect in order to “fix” the problem and counter shame and guilt.
There is power in recovery through knowledge and understanding the motivations behind the development and psychological use of an eating disorder. Knowing what drives the bus gives way to rational thought. Choices can therefore be made based on conscious awareness rather than continuing to make unconscious decisions where confusion and self-defeat remain.
Walking Through Life Knowing Is Better Than Not Knowing
There is power in sexual awakening and sexual assuredness. Feeling sexy is like feeling smart; nothing is required under most circumstances to prove it or demonstrate it. If it is internally understood and accepted then there is no need to broadcast it. This rule, I have come to believe, has applicability in many arenas.
Some people use sex as a tool, sometimes as a weapon or manipulation to get sexual and other needs met. Whether one is recovering from an eating disorder or not, understanding sexual intent and how sex is used by the person enables honest communication, respect of self and others in this communication and trust of one’s true motivation. The quest for sexual pleasure, relational intimacy or other need fulfillment is on the table versus disguised.
article continues after advertisement
Might declaration of someone’s intent regarding sex also serve the individual who is its recipient? For instance, would date rape incidences decline if women and men were aware of their true motivations and able to be clear in their words and responsible in their deeds when at a college party?
The circularity is intriguing. Some people with eating disorders have been date raped or sexually assaulted at a party during high school or college. It is the development and subsequent recovery from their eating disorder that empowers them to go forward in life and love. It is understanding their hungers and resistances which enables successful attainment of joy and pleasure. Might the incidences of eating disorders decrease if conversations about sex, pleasure and responsible communication occur during the high school years? Might such conversations therefore affect or turn the tide of irresponsible and/or sexual assaultive behavior among high school and college student? I would argue, yes.
What if boys and young men were taught to communicate honestly, with clear intent and fully respect girls and young women as equal partners? What if they accepted that “No” means No whether communicated verbally or nonverbally? And, what if girls and young women were similarly taught respect of boys and young men by articulating clear boundaries and being responsible for honest communication about their own sexual and non-sexual intent? Might this be a more true meaning of sexual empowerment? Eating disorders would not be called upon any longer in this arena as a voice of outrage and disgust.
Sexual empowerment is quiet, private and personal. It is worn more boldly perhaps because many cultures dictate its necessity as a badge of success and overall desirability. It is distorted because of abuse, molestation, assault and harassment; individuals, like those with eating disorders, run from it or run toward it to hide or reveal their suffering.
Sex is a language with a protocol and appropriate grammar and syntax if used correctly. Syntax is the collection of rules that govern how words are assembled into meaningful sentences. Perhaps sex too requires a set of rules that are assembled into a meaningful, honest and empowered expression of love and pleasure.
